Casualty
by LittletonPace
Summary: Ashley Campbell and Stephen Holder have a past...
1. Altered

_AN - New OC for a new fandom. But this one's a little different. I'm not going to mess with the main storyline of the show, moreso filling in some gaps when it comes to Holder. I thought it would be interesting to explore his background a little more and who else may have been there. So, Ash appeared._

_Unlike my other fics, this one doesn't follow much of a timeline. What I'm trying to do is set up questions and little mysteries that'll be answered in flashback chapters in the future. Kinda like the show does, you never really get an answer and when you do you question it._

_Anyway, enjoy _

* * *

"It's such a shame, shame, shame,  
That our homecoming queen  
Was a lot like you and a lot like me  
And she never walked on water  
Guess no one really saw her."

_"Homecoming Queen" by Hinder_

**Chapter 1: Altered**

Ashley Campbell stifled a yawn as she finished stacking the dishwasher. Just behind her, eighteen-month-old Emma giggled in her high chair and thrust her hands in the air to be picked up. Drying her hands on a tea towel, Ash lifted her sweet baby girl up in her arms pecking noisy kisses to her cheek before she settled her on her hip.

"Mummy, look," Jayde came into the kitchen and held up a new drawing of what appeared to be her family. "It's for Miss Heather,"

"That's great, babe," Ash said tucking a flyaway copper-coloured curl behind Jayde's ear. It was still strange for Ash to hear Jayde call her that; after spending so long deliberating what to teach her as she learned to speak. It was still hard to hear; but Jayde wasn't even five. Ashley wasn't going to confuse her with semantics just yet. "Make sure you put it in your bag, okay? And go get in your PJ's."

Clicking the dishwasher on, Ash started humming a lullaby to Emma when a sharp knock at her front door caught her by surprise. Setting Jayde in her playpen in the living room, Ashley went to answer it checking the time on the wall clock as she passed it in the hall. It was almost eight at night. No one came to her door after sunset - except sometimes her elderly neighbour on the lookout for his dog that always snuck out.

Assuming to see Mr. Hatcher on her doorstep with that dopey grin, Ashley felt her whole body tense up when instead she saw the familiar, thin man with greasy hair standing there in a black hoodie with his hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans.

"Hey, Ash,"

"Holder," Ash quickly closed the door enough so Jayde wouldn't see him if she walked by. "What are you doing here?"

"I didn't wake the girls, did I?"

"No, why are you here?" Considering the last time she'd seen him, he was not a person she wanted in her house around her girls.

"I got transferred to Homicide," Holder said with a nervous smile. "I'm working that Rosie Larsen case. Got a new partner and ev'ry thang."

Ash was surprised. "They let you keep your badge?"

Holder's smile vanished, but the nerves remained. "I'm clean now, Ash," he said. "For reals. I wouldn't come back here if I wasn't."

"Holder!" Jayde suddenly squealed bolting out onto the porch, making Ash curse to herself for not just slamming the door in his face the second she'd seen him. Jayde seeing Holder again was just going to make everything messier.

"Yo!" Holder knelt to one knee and hugged Jayde. "Damn, girl, when did you get so tall?"

"You don't come around no more," Jayde said playing with the threads of his hoodie. "Mummy said you got sick."

"Yeah," Holder said, bowing his head a little. "Yeah, I was. But I'm better now."

"You missed my birthday," Jayde pouted. "You were s'posed to take me to the zoo."

"I know I did, but I've got somethin' for you," he pulled a red plastic coin out of his pocket and gave it to her. "You have that."

Jayde traced her finger over the writing on the coin. "Whatsit' say?"

"Thirty days," Holder read for her. "It's the first one of them I got, and when I saw it was your favourite colour, too, I knew it was lucky. You hang onto it for me, okay?"

Jayde nodded and clasped the chip in her whole fist. "So you'll come to the park again?" she asked hopefully.

"That's up to your Mums," Holder said, looking up at Ash.

"Jayde, go inside with your sister, okay?" Ash said taking her by the hand.

"Can Holder stay?" Jayde asked pulling on Ash's arm.

"No, he's got to go," Ash ushered Jayde back inside. "Find a book for us to read, okay?" Beaming, Jayde waved goodbye to Holder and skipped towards her room.

"Sorry," Holder said when they were alone again. "I thought they'd be asleep."

"Well, Jayde won't sleep now she's seen you," Ash gave him a tense, tight-lipped smile. "What was that, an NA chip?"

"Yeah, I got six months behind me now."

"Good." Ash said curtly. Then, she softened her voice. "Really, that's great," she said honestly. "But I'd like you to leave now."

Holder made a _tssk_ noise under his breath. "C'mon, Ash-"

Memories, anger and frustration shot through Ashley's body in an instant."No, the one thing I asked you to do was to leave us alone and you couldn't even do that. Christ, Holder-"

"I miss you." He said bluntly with a limp shrug of his shoulders. "And I miss those girls. Em's nearly two now, right? Man," he ran his tongue over the inside of his bottom lip. "Do you think maybe we could-"

"We are not your problem anymore," Ash cut in, blinking hot, angry tears from her eyes.

"Still so harsh, woman," Holder smirked. "Y'know they tell us in NA to expect anger from the people we hurt; but that it's a good thing," he paused, searching her eyes for something. "Means there's still love kickin' around."

Ash could feel her pulse racing. It worried her that she could get so mad so fast, and he hadn't even really done anything. "This is _not_ your family," she said firmly.

"Family ain't just about blood," Holder said, a streak of annoyance flashing across his sharp eyes. "Ain't that what you told me?"

"Jayde _just_ stopped asking why you weren't coming 'round anymore," Ash tried to keep her voice low, she didn't want the girls to hear her yell, but really she just wanted to scream. "Now that's gonna start all over again."

"I can start coming 'round again."

He may as well have slapped her. "No," Ash refused. "Absolutely not."

"I'm good now, Ash." Holder maintained. "Workin' my steps. I gotta make amends to people I hurt."

Closing her eyes, Ash took a deep breath to try and calm herself. It didn't alleviate the heated tears that clouded her vision. "I am glad you're clean," she said, but her throat was tight and made her voice sound strangled. "But you can't be here."

But still, he persisted. "C'mon, Ash, we can figure out-"

"No," Ash said tearfully as she stepped back inside her home. "Please don't ever come here again," she cleared her throat, forcing her voice to be strong. "Consider _that_ how you make amends to us." Then she locked the door and clicked off the porch light.

With her back up against the door, Ash waited until she heard Holder's footsteps fade before she looked out the window to make sure he was driving away. Emma started stamping her feet in her playpen and fussing, and from her bedroom Jayde called out that she'd found a book she wanted to read. Taking a steadying breath, Ash, tucked her hair behind her ears and went to tend to her girls.

**xxx**


	2. On Another Day

"It ain't gonna stop the world  
If you walk out that door  
This old world just keeps spinning round, spinning round  
Like it did the day before  
Cuz to them it makes no difference  
It just keeps on keeping time  
Cuz it ain't gonna stop the world, no,  
But it'll be the end of mine."

_"It Don't Matter To The Sun" - Rosie Thomas_

**Chapter 2: On Another Day**

Holder chewed the end of a fraying toothpick and shifted in the passenger's seat of Linden's car. They were sitting there, waiting in the pouring rain, for Rosie Larsen's drug buddy Chris to finally show up so they could question him. The stakeout was based on a lead from a teenage girl with bright green streaks in her hair who, whilst approaching Holder and asking him to light her cigarette, had informed him that Chris would be by later that day.

So that meant waiting, which Holder didn't like. Sitting still with nothing to do made him jittery like a coffee addict; but his drug of choice was something much more severe. He missed it; good Lord did he miss getting high. But he'd learned in NA that that was okay. He missed a lot of things. The trick was to figure out how to get back what was important and avoid what would make him fall off the wagon. And the distinction between what he wanted and what he needed wasn't black and white.

Some days were easier than others. Working helped; and the high profile nature of the Larsen case was keeping him busy. But as he sat by his new partner, waiting for a possible lead that might not even amount to anything, his mind inevitably wandered back into what he used to do when he was sitting still.

The distraction of his cell phone was a welcome one. "Yo?" he answered.

"Holder?"

His heart jumped when he heard the little girls voice. "Jayde?"

"I took Mama's phone," Jayde said quietly like she was trying to keep her voice down.

"Why?" Holder sat up straight, his senses spiking. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jayde said calmly. "When are you coming over?"

Exhaling, Holder settled back in his seat. "I'm working right now,"

"Chasing bad guys?"

"Yeah," Holder smiled to himself, aware of Linden's eyes watching him. "Chasing bad guys."

After a small scuffle on the phone, another voice came through. "Who is this?"

"Ash, it's me," Holder said quickly. "Don't freak out, Jayde called me."

"What?"

"Don't get mad at her, okay? She just-" with a _clunk_, the line went dead. With a sigh, Holder held his phone to his lips and then stuffed it back into his pocket. Ash and the girls... they were towing that black and white line of things he missed and wanted back.

After a few moments of tense silence, Linden began to pry. "Ash a guy or girl?"

"Girl," Holder said staring aimlessly at the raindrops running down the window. "The girl who likes to break my heart."

"And Jayde?"

"Her daughter," Holder answered. "She's got two little girls."

"They yours?"

"No ma'am," Holder admitted. Maybe it was that he had overheard so many of Linden's conversations with her son, and the fiancé she had waiting for her. He almost accidentally knew delicate details of her life, so he felt somewhat compelled to do so in return. Keep them on the same level. "But they ain't hers, either."

**xxx**

_Four Years Ago  
(Ash)  
_

High on free (albeit cheap) wine, Ashley quickstepped from her cab through the rain to the undercover of her college dorm. The rain had picked up on the drive home and the roar was deafening. Ashley loved it; it was her favourite type of weather. She completed most of her paintings in the rain; Seattle was a perfect setting for a budding artist.

In her pocket, her cell phone buzzed with a message. It was Laurie, the girl who had invited her out to the gallery with the promise of free alcohol. She had sent Ash a picture of her still at the gallery with the cute bartender they'd been giggling with all night. Silly, college flirting. Silly, college fun.

Up ahead just by the door to her dorm was someone waiting to go inside. It didn't strike Ash as strange until she remembered how late it was. And no one came right to the door after dark; they met up off-campus. Security could be very finicky.

It was only when the person moved under the light by the door that Ash realized that the person was her sister. "Aubry?"

It had been a year since she'd last seen her. Ash had no idea where her sister had been living or if she even had a phone. And after two failed attempts at rehab and a tough stint living with their parents, Aubry had disappeared one night. She called their mother every few months from various payphones, and those conversations had been relayed to Ash, but that was the most contact the siblings had.

And now her big sister stood before her, and it seemed Aubry was back on drugs and living rough. Her raven black hair was damp from the rain and her ill-fitting clothes stuck to her body. Her once glowing skin was almost yellow in colour, her cheeks were covered in marks and scars and it seemed as though her hair was thinning.

But it wasn't the sight of her sister that made Ash's heart stop, it was the baby she carried in her arms. Black hair, like Aubry, damp from the rain, and wrapped loosely in a dirty blanket.

"Jesus, Aubry," Ash stared from the baby to her sister. "Is that your baby?" Aubry's eyes filled with tears and she began to cry. "Come on, come upstairs," Ash tugged her sister in closer to the door and fished for her key in her handbag; she needed to get her sister inside and that baby out of the rain.

But Aubry had other ideas.

"Please take her, Ash," Aubry had said tearfully, loading the baby into Ashley's arms. "Her name's Jayde, and I love her," she looked to her younger sister and ran a thin, pale finger shakily down the length of her cheek. "Please. You have to take her." Then she kissed her baby's forehead, hugged her little sister, looped a threadbare diaper bag over Ash's shoulder and disappeared into the rain.

"Aubry!" Ash yelled into the downpour. "Wait, Aubry!" Her screams woke baby Jayde who began wailing as Ash stood, frozen, staring after her sister's fading silhouette.

**xxx**


	3. I Missed Things

"Cause I want to be seen  
With a fresh pair of eyes  
The single white tree  
In a black hood of disguise."

_"Fresh Pair of Eyes" by Brooke Waggoner_

**Chapter 3: I Missed Things**

_Two Years Ago_

_(Ash)_

"Table three, Ash," Etta smiled and pushed a flyaway auburn curl over her ear as she set two plates of scrambled eggs, toast and bacon onto the dividing bench between the kitchen and the counter.

It was lunchtime, but all-day breakfast was a popular selling point for _Mariana's. _Ash gave up trying to scrub a coffee stain off her pale lilac apron, loaded the plates onto a tray and took them to the waiting customers. Then she plastered on a smile and greeted a family of four who had just sat down across the room at table eight.

"You got a star on your nametag," one of the little redheaded boys noted as Ash took down the families order.

"Yeah, I got it today," Ash told him with a smile. "Been working here two whole months." The little silver sticker above her name had been a little gift from Etta that morning. She seemed to have decided to befriend Ashley simply due to their similar ages given most of the other employees were middle-aged. Henrietta, who hated her name and instead went by the moniker, was twenty-six but had worked at _Mariana's _since she was a teen.

_Mariana's_ _Diner_ was open until one A.M., six days a week. It was owned by the whole Mariana family, passed down through fathers, daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins; basically anyone who wanted the job. Currently, it was Rita Mariana at the helm. A plump, no-nonsense woman with six grown children who had sympathized with Ashley in her interview and hired her to start the following week. But being the boss, Rita spent most of her time in the office which left the waitresses to run the front of the cafe. That day was quiet, even for _Mariana's, _so Ash and Etta had things under control.

Ash relayed table eight's orders to the boys in the kitchen and pegged up the ticket. Then she went about refilling the ketchup and mustard bottles. Waitressing was such a menial job when it came down to it; but regardless Ash always felt worked off her feet. She had to remind herself it wasn't permanent. Jayde would be in preschool within two years; then things would be easier with just baby Emma to send to day-care. Then maybe, just maybe she could find time to get into that community art class.

"What's good here?" A new customer asked from the counter. A guy, late twenties. Maybe older. Thin, tall, with dirty blonde hair slick from the rain and a gray hoodie that seemed two sizes too big on him.

"Everything's good here," Ash said taking her notepad from her apron pocket as she approached him. Then, she remembered Georgie wasn't head chef on Wednesdays. "Oh, wait," she looked over her shoulder and saw Frankie was behind the stove. "No, you're gonna wanna avoid anything with bacon. Frankie doesn't think it's cooked until it's black."

"Well, maybe it's a sign," her customer said. "I'm trying this whole vegetarian thing."

"Get pancakes." Ash suggested; it was the safest option and Frankie's best dish.

"Yes, ma'am."

When Ash put in his order, she expected him to drop their chitchat as most customers did. But he didn't. "You new here?" He asked, taking a complimentary toothpick and clenching it between his teeth.

"Two months new." She lifted up the coffee pot and he nodded so she poured him a mug.

"I come here a lot." He swivelled the toothpick around with his tongue. "I've never seen you,"

"Well, I used to work nights." Out of habit, Ash started wiping down the already clean countertop.

"Why the change?"

The answer to that one was easy. At first, Ash thought it would be easier to spend the mornings with the girls and work nights, but she quickly found that left zero time for sleep. And babysitters weren't so keen on working into the wee hours of the morning."I have two baby girls."

His eyes brightened. "Oh yeah? How old?"

"Ah," Ash was almost put-off; most men who bothered to chat her up bolted the second they heard the word "baby". "Two years, and the littlest is almost three months."

"Damn, girl!" He shook his head, but looked impressed. "When do you sleep let alone work?"

"I'm asleep right now," Ash quipped. "You're just a foggy mess of colours to me."

"Jeez, there goes my whole idea of getting your sympathy vote by bitchin' about how rough my job is."

Ash smiled. "What are you, a fireman?"

"Close." He pulled a silver badge from his pocket and held it up by his ear. "Detective Stephen Holder." He grinned. "How you doin'?"

"Well, congratulations." Ash mentally took the price of the coffee of his bill. "You get caffeinated for free."

"Sweet." He added a single pack of sugar to his coffee and stirred it with his toothpick. "So, what do you do when you don't wait tables like a boss?"

"I sleep." Ash answered. "Like I said, two babies."

"Order up, Ash!" Frankie called from the kitchen as he set a plate of fresh, buttery pancakes on the divider.

"Your husband don't help?" The Detective asked as he watched her retrieve his food.

Ash cocked an eyebrow at him. "I don't have a husband."

"Want one?" He was grinning with that toothpick between his teeth again.

With a smirk, Ash set his meal in front of him. "Eat your damn pancakes, Detective."

**xxx**

_Present Day_

_(Holder)_

After interviewing Rosie Larsen's teacher, Bennet, and his wife, Amber, Linden left Holder behind to check with the neighbours if Bennet was home on the night he claimed to be. After a canvas of the houses nearby turned up nothing, and angry that Linden had just ditched him in the rain, Holder called his sponsor. And true to his word that he would come no matter where or when Holder called, ten minutes later Gil was pulling his sedan up beside Holder on the street.

Once he got in the car, first thing Holder did was light up a cigarette. He wasn't even sure why he'd called Gil, he just knew it was better talking to his sponsor than letting his mind grow frantic and uneasy.

"Why'd you call?" Gil asked as he cracked a window to let the cigarette smoke out. "Today, why'd you call today?"

"Interviewed the teacher's wife." Holder inhaled and breathed out slowly through his nostrils. He knew seeing Amber had tweaked something inside him. "She's pregnant."

Gil glanced over at Holder. "You talk to Ashley?"

"I tried a couple of days ago; she's still pissed." Holder flicked the end of his cigarette out the gap in the window and let the ash be taken away by the breeze. "Didn't expect a hug or nothing, but... I dunno, I thought maybe she'd be..." He trailed off and inhaled his cigarette again. "I don't expect her to forgive me. I get where she's coming from. I mean, she's got those little girls. She don't have the time for a junkie lookin' for redemption."

"You told me it was one of your goals." Gil reminded him. "To even things out with her."

"It is." Holder confirmed chewing on the filter of his cigarette. "But she's gotta want it, too, right?" Sighing, he flicked a speck of cigarette ash off the knee of his jeans. "It's like there's two of me. And one of 'em knows exactly what to do in every situation. The problem is that it always ends up in the same place. And then there's the other me - the one I'm _supposed_ to be - whose just weak."

Gil nodded. "Your choice which one to follow." He said with a wry curl of his lip. "Tell me about the case." He asked a moment later.

Holder shifted in his seat and inhaled again. "Looks like the teacher did it."

"Close to an arrest?" Gil asked casually.

"Maybe."

Nodding slowly, Gil checked his watch. "I should get going."

"Yeah," Holder took his cue and climbed out of the car. "Thanks, Gil." He shook his sponsor's hand through the open window. "You still coming to the meeting on Friday?"

"Wouldn't miss it." Gil said turning over the engine and giving Holder a nod goodbye before he steered back out into the street.

As the rain began to fall, Holder lit up another cigarette while he still could and watched Gil drive off. Gil would be at the meeting if he said he would, but the people Holder wanted to be there he knew wouldn't be. It always struck him as funny that Ash and his sister, Liz, never really got along that well. Maybe it was that thing about people being too much alike. They'd been okay to start with, even their kids all played together. But when Holder starting slipping, Liz cut him off. Ash didn't. Not at first. They'd never been able to get past that.

Holder took cover from the rain at a bus stop shelter and took out his phone. He went through his call history, pausing on Ash's number from when Jayde had called him. Half of him wanted to press that stupid green phone key and phone Ash over and over until she agreed to see him again. The other half of him didn't want to piss her off any more than he already had. He understood why she was so mad. She'd trusted him, let him into her life with her girls and he had ruined it. And as much as Holder wanted to believe that the only reason Ash was angry was because she still cared about him; he knew he wasn't that lucky. There was more to it than that. More to their relationship; which was why he couldn't just move on with Ash as nothing more than a moment in his past. But the reasons he didn't want to let her go were the same reasons she didn't want him around. She blamed him for the death of their son.


End file.
